Great galloping Ganesha. It was too obvious.

As I lie here wishing I could sleep and not having much success and running too many emotional subroutines I started with one of my really illin’ nagging mental loops.

 

I was doing a reflexive self-deprecation thing, underscoring my unworthiness in general for doing some stupid shit or other. It doesn’t really matter and what is even more hilarious is now I can’t even recall what it was about.

 

I recently had someone express to me their desire to have me reveal a whole lotta me. They also expressed other desires I am not going to talk about now. The important thing is that, because this person happens to have the odd capacity to make their requests feel like foregone conclusions, and that my heart clicks right into “OK, how can we make this happen?” without pause, of course I’ve been spending the last little while remembering what it feels like to have submission and obedience be unthinking.

 

I was rooting around on my blog and happened to find some posts that reminded me of how often and in what interesting ways I’ve pondered this question and it gave me pause.

 

This lead to a further dig to an older LiveJournal Post of one of my mental struggles with my Demon. One might think I’ve many, but really no, it is just Bubbles. She’s in a transitional period, and we are closer to a symbiotic relationship now

 

What the fuck am I talking about here…oh yeah.

 

All this is to say as that poor tired hyena wheezed that same old tired saw about my not being worthy I turned to look at her and said “Hey kiddo…you know what? Out of the thousands and thousands of people we’ve met, you know who the only ones around are who don’t think we deserve the best shit handed to us with a flourish and a fucking doily?”

She’s eyeballing me now. Kind of sadly, because when a part of yourself that ran you near to death…literally…feels itself losing the toothy grip it had on your life, it mourns itself.

 

“Yeah,” she whispers. “Only Us.”

 

“Right, ” I reply. “Only us. And if we can’t see past fear and old patterns and memories and habits that no longer serve…if we can’t look beyond expectations and see that living in the moment is the bravest thing we can do…if we don’t jump off of this cliff again, and trust we will land on our feet and our paws again, what the fuck are we doing at all?”

 

What the fuck indeed.

 

I’d be a pretty sad “teacher” if I didn’t follow my own advice. If I didn’t advocate for myself. If I wasn’t ready to take responsibility for myself.

 

The good and the bad.

 

I take responsibility for the bad easily. But the good? Bubbles like to couch that in simple arrogance. But it ins’t.

 

If I don’t see myself as a fucking superstar, capable of anything that I put my mind to, and a person who also identifies as a submissive and identifies as a slave who would bring love, light, honor, magnificence and epic win to whomever was fortunate enough to possess me fully, I’m fucking myself over.

 

And  I do not want to fuck myself over.

 

I’m pretty awesome. And it isn’t just my Mom who says so. And unless there is an international conspiracy to blow sunshine up my ass, I have empirical evidence that I am, in the words of Earth Wind & Fire, A shining star, shining bright to see what I can truly be.

 

I love my hurt, scruffly, filthy starved Demon. I no longer think I need to excise pieces of myself to be healthy. I can embrace the fractured facets and make them into bits of the mosaic that is me.

 

And I love me. And I am content to open myself to previously unseemly possibilities because…why the fuck not.

 

When I act as if I cannot fail, I win.

 

When I KNOW in my heart I am valuable, lovable and loved, I win.

 

When I know that I can take all of who I am and offer it to Someone and know that this is the regalest and most precious place for me to be, full of power, and on my knees, I fucking win.

 

When I am willing to support myself, love myself, and remain vulnerable even in the face of the terrifying void of the unknown, I win.

 

What a weight lifted.

 

I am free of failure, because…no matter what happens? I am cared for.

 

And I have me.

 

And I am pretty motherfucking badass.