The trust game.

“I know you have many things to focus on, and that is allright. But I do not want you to lose focus on what we are working on.”

 

“Sometimes…most of the time, I guess, I’m OK. But. That whole ‘Don’t make someone a priority when you are just an option’ thing is gnawing at me…and that doesn’t feel quite right either but. Yeah. I can’t see how this is gonna turn out. The now is good but I just…I can’t figure out how this is going to work.”

 

“When you look ahead and what you see looks bleak, and you can’t make out the path, take a deep breath and focus on now. On where you are now, on how you’re feeling today.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

<deep breath>

The panicked drowning flailing

 

of the part of me

 

that wants something…anything…to be really true and really for real real

 

isn’t buying this and shrieks

 

at the unfairness

 

I mean

 

OK we aren’t supposed

 

to “future trip”

 

but

 

how the fuck can we know how to plan anything

 

fuck fucking hubris

 

don’t be stupid

 

hasn’t everyone you’ve trusted

 

let you down? Stepped back when you let yourself fall

 

the real life “trust game” and

 

you left sprawled on your ass looking like an ass and they

 

Left you alone

 

again

 

and

 

again and again

 

and

 

…and then this guy…The Dominant Guy, you know. Again, he somehow manages to disable my security system.

 

I can’t see the future. I can’t know what will or will not happen. I can make up stories about what might happen, based on my fears, based on the past, based on my limited knowledge of time and circumstance.

 

Five years ago if someone had said to me “Oh, and Mo? By the way…you’ll go to rehab in a year because you’re a fucking hopeless alcoholic and THEN (get this!) for the next four years you’ll go without a drink and you’ll not only love it, you will vow to never drink again and each morning when you wake up and when you go to sleep every night? You’ll be grateful for another day sober.” I would have laughed drunkenly in their face, the miasma of whiskey certainly within me.

 

And yet here it is.

 

If one year ago someone had said to me “OMG! Dude! In a year you’ll be considering slavery to someone who lives nowhere near you and is married and quite fucking poly.” I’d have written a poem in iambic pentameter abut their hubris.

 

And yet here it is.

 

And essentially this impossible series of situations unfolded despite my KNOWING they would NEVER happen.

 

Is it more or less foolhardy to cut myself off from possibilities because I can’t see how there could possibly be a positive outcome? Is it healthy or  is it irrational to say “I don’t know, but this seems good, for now, so feel it forward one step at a time, and just let go and see what happens.” ?

 

Essentially, this impossible confluence of events has brought me to a place where an unlikely person is asking me…asking? Advising. Recommending? Suggesting with the inevitability of an order to put my head down and be in my life in this moment and to stop breaking my neck straining to see things that aren’t mine to know.

 

Not right now anyway.

 

Trusting in this way does not come easy to me. Sometimes I fight it even as it is happening. And yet it is an integral facet of growing to trust someone I am “considering” allowing into my life in a way that no-one else ever has been permitted.

 

When does this become reflexive? How will I know?

 

I have to laugh. I laugh because even as I think about it? I know the answer. It has always been so. Regardless of my defensiveness, regardless of yipping barking voices, of bone crushing fear, his requests are my commands and I put my head down, take a breath, and fucking embrace this goddamned moment.

 

And in this moment, submission to the moment is easy, and it eases me. He brings that to me, and I can stand steadily, breathe, and continue.

 

No, I don’t know any more than I did before that breath. But in acknowledging this, I know that what I do not know is not mine to know.

 

Sometimes shit gets so complicated it falls in on itself and becomes…so simple. Stay in now, and be satisfied? Or spin out at the limitless possibilities?

 

I’ll often choose the latter. I’m pretty fucking stoked that The Dominant Guy prefers the former…and I am quite pleased that I prefer to do as he says.

 

Pretty smooth trick, no?