…monoflexible?

Someone asked me yesterday if I still identify as monogamous. Well, yes. And to me this is obvious. However, I can see why it might look like a gray area. I’m involved with someone who is poly. So does that make me poly, too? By being in a non-monogamous relationship configuration, aren’t I giving up my identity as a monogamous person?

 

 

Fuck no.

 

Let’s look at some definitions. One from a dictionary…

 

pol·y·am·o·ry

noun /ˌpälēˈamərē/

The philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time

 

OK…nope. How about wikipedia?

 

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

 

OK. I don’t do that, either.

 

So, no. So, what am I now? Monoflexible? Poly-friendly? Dumb as a bag of wet mice?

I think about this a lot. Now, I have been in poly relationships in the past. My first boyfriend and I had a third partner for a while. And this was in high school. And before we read any books about it. But we negotiated it, made agreements, dissolved the arrangement when the agreement was broken and, miraculously? My friendship with my girlfriend and my relationship with my boyfrield survived the poly breakup. Interestingly, I’m still in touch with my girlfriend, lo these many years later. No sign of the boyfriend! ;-)

 

I realized I do much better in monogamous relationships, so I did that for the next decade or so. No big whoop. Now, of course, there is some whoop.

 

After someone asked me if I still considered myself monogamous, I tweeted a little tweet that went like-a-this:

 

 

FYI? Being a monogamous person involved with someone who is polyamorous doesn’t make you magically poly by default. #ItsNotTransitive

 

 

This expanded into a great discussion on Facebook. And underscored one of the awesome things about my sharing so much of my shit online: it gives me the chance to check in with my own process in a way that is real and authentically non-defensive. I love that shit.

 

One of the things that clicked so fabulously for me is the progress I’ve made of late around being in relationship with poly folks. Though The Dominant Guy is polyamorous, I am not. My relationship approach has not changed.

 

However, I have changed.

 

My ability to accept that I am not lessened or damaged by having an intimacy with someone who has loving, intimate relationships with others HAS changed. Is it sunshine and motherfucking daisies every godamned moment? Fuck no. On some days? It sucks manky moody musty Mandrill muff. On other days, I think “Well, good thing I’m the monogamous one. How much would it suck if I met someone as cool as that and they weren’t available to me at all?”

 

Being monogamous was not asbestos suit against emotional pain either. And I am stupid / optimistic enough to look at relationships on their own merit and say “Well, shit. Go for it. Why not?” rather than shut down the possibility of joy.

 

This is my second mono / poly relationship since becoming involved in the community. The first time, I approached it from the “Well, he is the dominant, this is how he is, and if I want to be with him I have to live the way he dictates.” That worked for longer than one might expect, and our relationship lasted two years. However, I felt like a disposable piece of a never-to-be-solved puzzle as he was always looking for new partners, took little time to solidify our relationship as others came and went, and I wasn’t able to feel secure in my place.

 

The Dominant Guy isn’t looking to collect a bunch of slaves. He is someone who doesn’t have an unceasing, acquisitive search for partners. He’s pretty specific in who and what he wants in his life. While I don’t compartmentalize in my relationships, he does. Though that would seem an incompatibility, it actually makes our relationship possible. Neither his wife nor his girlfriend are submissive to him, he doesn’t own them, and isn’t the boss of them. What I seek in my relationship is to have that dominant energy focused on me, to be owned, and to have someone be the boss of me. And, in this configuration, I get that. If he were the type to have multiple slaves all slavering slavishly, this wouldn’t work for me. At first I wondered if I were compromising some core thing. Now I am leaning more towards gratitude that someone who is so compatible a dominant for me is still available to interact with me, and connect with a profound emotional intimacy.

 

Plenty of poly people operate on the “No one person can meet all of my needs so I’ll have various people meet my needs.” principle. I’m of the “No one person can meet all of my needs, so let me see what my REAL needs REALLY are, and see if someone can meet those.” and if the connection is really good, the other shit seems less important. Different strokes for different folks, and I can clearly see the appeal in both approaches, and many others besides those!

 

As for this current setup? Well. The joys are pretty fucking joyous. And the pain i feel sometimes is offset by the wonder of how much I have grown and continue to grow. And when I am in pain, I am usually able to share that with him, and we work through it. And when I get stuck, I wait it out, do my work, and process the experience. And THAT is something I haven’t done before. I accept that there will be pain. And I am not scared of that…it won’t kill me. And as clichéd as it sounds? It actually fucking well does make me stronger.