Tell me why.

I’ve started to actually dig it when I hit on a communication block with TheDominantGuy. Not that I enjoy wrangling per se: I do not. But in the past 11 months or so in getting to know TDG, what has been consistent is the erosion of my defensiveness around communication blocks and his capacity to keep on truckin’ until we have sufficient understanding, can mirror back our individual stances and truly know what the fuck the other is talking about.

 

Unsurprisingly, in this Mercury retrograde, we’ve hit a couple of “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” moments. But tonight’s discussion underscored a vital lesson for me.

 

TheDominantGuy had asked me a question about something I’d said, and I had that moment of “Oh Lord, this question is deceptively simple.” I answered it as best I could, and the discussion got Mariana Trench deep real fast. I’m better about getting defensive than I was in the past, before knowing him, so I took a deep breath and answered as best I could. I would ask if my responses had answered his query, I got back a “Yes, mostly.” and would get hit with a re-direct.

 

OK, re-re-direct.

 

Alright, Here is my other take on it.

 

And this one.

 

And this.

 

Still not closing the deal.

 

“I know I’m a good communicator…why is this so hard?” I wondered.

 

Finally we’d gotten to the point where I sort of understood what he was asking. And he encouraged me…well, kinda ordered me…to address the question again.

 

“Why? Why are you asking me this?” I asked.

 

“Because I can.” was the answer, and of course this is the Natural Order of Things.

 

“Yes, sir, “Because you say so.” is an absolutely acceptable response…”

 

“Well, yes, since I am the dominant. That IS how this works, right?”

 

“Yes. Well, I suppose….”

 

I could her the eyebrows going up over the phone

 

“Oh you suppose?”

 

Insert snarky exchange here

 

“Of course I will do as you have requested. And of course of course, I will now reflexively gnaw at this question, without pause, nonstop. But without knowing why you’re asking me, I am already feeling frustrated.”

 

“Ah. So. It would make a difference for me to tell you why I am asking.”

 

“I think so. Yes. Yes it would,”

 

He explained the reason for his query, I listened, and the whole conversation snapped into place. My head cleared, and I had a handle on the stuff I needed to think about.

 

Why am I telling you this?

 

Because it is true, the D-Types don’t have to tell us S-Types why. We are to obey. I am highly obedient. To a fault, occasionally. And with him, reflexively. However. To make the most efficient use of my (formidable, if I do say so myself!) resources, you gotta pay attention to the instruction manual. I have it inscribed on my heart. I usually know how I work best. I spend a LOT of time parsing out my shit. It is how I stay alive, and how I stay sober. So while it is absolutely fine for him to say “Do it because I said so,” it is a superior gesture to listen and say “Alright, if this will help you to better execute my order, here is the additional information you need.”

 

And the side-effect of this? I sit here several hours later deeply humbled at the trust demonstrated by the fact that that he was willing to divulge his motives, and make his own process clear. As a result? He knows more about me, I know more about him, and we both have information that will facilitate communication going forward.

 

Wielding power graciously, and with compassionate intelligence? Pretty fucking sexy, if you ask me.