backlash
I’m starting to envy those who actually have time for “drop.” That whole “con-drop” thing isn’t something I’ve personally processed, it isn’t a cycle to which I’m accustomed, because I always have the next convention on the horizon. And the rare times I go over a month without a major kink event are the times when I’m in a show, so there’s hardly an energy drop there.
But service drop is a whole different thing and I’m not an adept at managing this. Working on it, but I’m clumsy at the controls. This summer has seen a remarkable increase in the time I’ve been fortunate to spend with @TheDominantGuy, and that has been a blessing.
Folsom Fair weekend will be the last time I see him for over 2 months and that is making be absolutely miserable.
Adding to the apprehension is the fact that my being in service in the midst of the Leather & Kink High Holy Holidays is a harrowing social and emotional minefield. He and Mrs. @TheDominantGuy are here on their own business, and have their own shit going on. I have my business, and my shit going on. Balancing all of this along with the surreal sensation of wanting nothing more than to be able to quietly fade into the woodwork and do what brings me so much joy, and that is serving, but having that thwarted by personality and perception.
Can I tell you how tough it is to be sent on an errand, and have to make the decision between blowing off the people who really wanna talk to you, or being as obedient and expedient as possible in service? It is a weird and squirreley situation. I’m a friendly person. I spent a year and a half as a public servant while I was a titleholder. People are used to unfettered access to me. Now…now I have to say “No, I’m sorry, I have to go.” and that is difficult for me, accustomed as I am to saying “Yes, of course.” all of the time.
I’ve found myself having to repeatedly traverse an event on various and sundry duties while in service. This is tough because there are many people with whom I’d love to chat, but I had business to attend to. After several encounters where I had to pull myself away with “Please excuse me.” and “So sorry I have to go!” I shifted gears into SuperDetermindedServiceSlave mode. Head slightly lowered, face neutral, purposeful stride in New Yorker mode and then I started getting concerned queries asking if I was OK, or assuming I wasn’t and so exhorting me to “Smile, and have fun!” when I thought to myself “Oh on Lord Ganesha’s mercy…this IS fun. Not all fun stuff looks the same.”
I am so proud of the work that I do in our various alternative communities and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It is a massive fucking honor to be able to be me so freely. And in a funny twist of fate, so much of this hard work has made for some backlash in my personal life. Sock puppets and secrecy, in order to try to keep some degree of privacy, to delay wider scrutiny. Social calisthenics, in order to avoid alienating my friends and those would would be my friends. Side-stepping some Big Issues I’d seriously love to discuss in favor of discretion. Conflicting emotions I have to eventually let play themselves out.
it is just over 14 hours since I have seen @TheDominantGuy. And I’ll see him again in a little over a week. But every parting hurts more acutely. I’m not “getting used” to this. The breathtaking sensation of loss, of having to shift gears and focus…it is an exhausting exercise.
No I wouldn’t trade it. Yes, it is worth it. But oh it is heavy in some moments. Like right now.
On Thursday afternoon I’m debuting a class I promised myself I’d put out there if my relationship with @TheDominantGuy lasted a year. Interestingly enough, Saturday marks a year since we first met. Isn’t that funny. The class is on long distance relationships. I can come up with a catchy title and pump out the positivity but the fact is? It hurts, too.
For now I will let myself feel everything. I owe that to myself. And the backhand of loss does not erase the peace I feel in TDGs service. It just…modulates it.
