Abiola Abrams is a raging powerstorm of amazingness and so when she says “I need you to write me something for Essence online!” I’m all “HELL YEAH!”

You can read the article here, but it only contains one of the three tips  shared. Keep reading to see what else I had to say, under pressure, wondering who the hell would listen to advice from me anyway.

“11 Sex Secrets From the Experts That Will Set Your Bed On Fire!”

My full top three  tips (until i chnge my mind at least) were as follows…

 

1) Don’t try to be “The Best Lover” try to be “Their best lover.”

Fats Waller back in the day wrote the following pithy verse: “Find out what they like / And how they like it / And let ’em have it just that way!” Before you bust out that new oral sex technique you saw online, ask your partner(s) – the real living person in front of you – what THEY like. So often sex becomes about what you’re doing more than focusing on who you’re doing. Feeling pressured to prove your skills and jump through acrobatic, systematic, hydromatic, Ninja Sex Moves before even getting to know your partner? Release it. Take a deep breath and be present. The idea that sexuality is measured in “performance” holds so many folks back or boxes them into assuming a sexual persona that maybe just doesn’t fit. Trotting out a sex routine based on tips and tricks gleaned from top-ten lists and whispered conversations over cocktails can lead to your partner(s) feeling like a Freaky Sex Muppet that you’re just manipulating for your amusement. Ask them what turns THEM on, and then enjoy the immersive experience of learning about them as you rediscover what makes sex truly hot: connection!

 

2) Dare to get what you want. (quoted in the article! Tip #4 “Get kinky with it!”) 

My husband, dominant and owner (we have a consensual “Power Exchange” relationship) waited until he was 60 years old to seek out his true desires. He’d had a lifetime of fantasies of sadism and longed to salaciously torment hot-n-sexy victims, but his upbringing labeled such things forbidden and the trials of adulthood only sealed his fate as a guilt-ridden secretive dreamer. Now he’s happy, fulfilled, kinky as hell and loving the explorations of his new life. One of the few regrets he has about his journey is that he denied himself this dream, denied who he truly was, for so many decades. I, on the other hand, have been a hedonistic explorer since high school and had no qualms about telling my partners what I wanted and, in turn, finding out what turned them on! It can be really scary to have to tell your beloved that you have desires that fall outside of so-called “vanilla” sex but believe me, if you really want to get freaky, you’ll be happier in the long run if you’re honest about your desires.  Over the past couple of decades I have seen thousands of people struggle with their desire for kinky sex, BDSM and all manner of fetishes. And as tough as it might be to be honest with others, you first have got to be honest with yourself. Know that is is absolutely OK for you to have kinky desires or outré fetishes, and that you are worthy of having your needs met in a loving and consensual setting! Be honest with your partner(s) and honest with yourself and let your freak flag fly.

 

3) Make time for pressure-free erotic connection.

Time is short and everyone every day seems scheduled to within a nanosecond of their lives. By the time many of us get to bed, the LAST thing we want to do is try to knock boots. And this can drain the life from relationships. Making intimacy dates is a way to honor the need for contact and erotic connection. Notice I didn’t say “sex dates” because the point is NOT to add a high-pressure countdown to humptown.  Very few people can reliably predict their arousal and guarantee desire. However, we CAN make time to connect in an erotic manner. Making a date in advance for sensual together time means you have committed to that time and space and to honoring sensuality.  If it doesn’t result in sweaty hours of raunchy recumbent rutting, that’s A-OK. Really!  Mutual masturbation – erotic and sensual massage – picking out the freakiest porn you can find and watching it together – are all great ways to create erotic energy without pressure. The important thing is that everyone feels relaxed, sensual, and safe. The fascinating thing is, once the pressure is off, we often find ourselves relaxed enough to step into a deeply sexualised head-space and then…well. Go crazy.

 

Mollena Lee Williams-Haas

“The Perverted Negress“

BDSM/Kink Educator, Author, Performer and Muse