Consent [Violated].
I have a hard-on for the NCSF. If you don’t know about the national Coalition for Sexual Freedom, educate yourself. If you’re kinky, you REALLY have no business not knowing and supporting them. As the only organization dedicated to helping protect us pervs, an at-risk sexual minority, from prosecution, from discrimination, shit…from OURSELVES? We need them.
I suddenly found myself with a mad hair up my butt about them, and about their Consent Counts movement : read about it. In a nutshell? You can go to jail even if you and your partner(s) love to do BDSM shit if you get busted. See, you can’t consent to certain types of stuff, and the cops and courts don’t care if you have emails and letters and friends and photos to prove it was consensual. It doesn’t matter to them if you want it. What matters is the behavior, not the consent.
I found myself recently kinda obsessed with spreading the word about consent, and what it means, because the shit is complicated. Because I care about my community, Because I don’t want to see friends lose custody of kids and lose their jobs because someone thinks kink is fucked up…
And because, recently? I had someone push through my consent boundary and it fucked me up. But good.
And maybe you are thinking
Oh but how could that happen?! You’re an expert! You TEACH other perverts how to do the perverted shit? How could ANYONE take advantage of you without your consent?
I asked myself that after this encounter.
I blamed myself.
I thought “Well, I didn’t say “No.†forcefully enough. I didn’t insist. I didn’t hit him, push him away. It must be my fault.”
I sat in a narcotized place of self-blame and self-hatred for months around something for which I claimed100% responsibility.
I blamed myself for “letting†someone violate one of my strongest boundaries. And I sat on this alone and in reflexive revulsion, because clearly I was too stupid, weak and foolish to handle myself like a responsible adult.
And because I had so much shame around this, because I was so afraid that others would look at me and think “What a fucking idiot. What kind of dummy lets something like them happen to them?†I didn’t tell anyone for months. Then it began to eat me alive, woke me up at night, freaked me out.
I finally told several people close to me, And then a few more. And no one told me I was stupid. In fact, to my dismay, my story was common. Standard. Typical.
And that is horrifying. THAT is shameful.
So I am taking a deep breath and telling you today. Because? Consent COUNTS. And anyone can be taken advantage of. Anyone. And you aren’t stupid, you aren’t helpless, if someone pushes through your boundaries.
So, what happened?
I’m going to tell this in a factual manner. I’m leaving off my usual curlicues and fancy words. I am doing this because it is the only way I think I can get through this without crying and falling into yet another toilet of self-abuse.
And I am telling this so that other people who have had their consent violated will know they aren’t alone. So that you know that it happens to FAR TOO MANY OF US. And in the hopes that maybe someone who has pushed through someone’s “No.†sees this and gets that it is not OK. That it is abusive. And it has nothing to do with consensual kink.
Last year I traveled a lot. Some of that travel was overseas, and while I was abroad I met a self-identified dominant. He and I clicked, and had quite a connection. I do not often have that connection with people, and so I was quite taken. We spent several days together. I even wrote about how awesome he was at one point. We played, I did some service stuff with him, and it was fantastic. We got on well, talking for hours, fooling around, playing. The third day we were together, we’d spent all evening and into the night playing and some of the play was quite sexual. I was in a very deep submissive headspace, and enjoying letting go, since this is so rare for me.
The play became more sexual, and many hours into the play he was insisting on sexual intercourse. Which, actually, I wanted. However when I realized he was NOT wearing a condom I pulled away and said “I need for you to wear a condom, I don’t fuck without them.†He insisted it was OK, he just wanted a little “…in and out a few strokes, you know…†and I said “That’s not safe and you know it, just wear a condom, I have some…†He became more insistent, continuing the physical play and genital contact. After this back and forth exchange, him insisting more aggressively and my saying “No, don’t do that.†at some point I just stopped saying no and he penetrated me without protection. After a few strokes, he pulled out and said “See, no big deal.†and continued the play.
I wish I could say I jumped up and kicked his ass but I didn’t. I wish I could say I freaked out immediately, but I didn’t. In fact it wasn’t until a week or so later that it began to sink in. I made an appointment for a full STD panel so that, when I got back to the US, I could be tested. I still never said anything to him.
I came home, got tested. By that point,it was the 3 months mark and the tests came back clear. “Now!” I thought  “Another 9 months of this and I can relax. Maybe. Kinda.â€
I still was in some strange denial. It took me 2 months before I rather hesitantly asked him about why he’d done that. He didn’t apologize. Just gave me a “Yeah, I don’t usually do that but don’t worry, I’m clean.†thing. I felt sickened. I asked him specifically to get tested and give me the results. I clarified that he had violated not only my trust, and consent, but I felt he’d taken advantage of someone in an altered mental state and that it Was Not Cool. He broke off communication at that point and never contacted me back.
Them’s the facts.
Why am I telling you this, months later? Because my slow response baffled me. Because I know how shameful and awful I felt in part of my heart for months. Because I don’t want people to have this happen to them and maybe my story will make a difference to one person. Because I want responsible dominants to decry this abhorrent behaviour. Because I want you to know that, of the women I spoke to about this, all of them….ALL OF THEM…had similar experiences.
Let me repeat that. Of 20 or so women….experienced adult women who “Should know better†ALL OF THEM HAD EXPERIENCED PRESSURE TO PUSH THEIR OWN PERSONAL BOUNDARIES IN A BDSM / KINK CONTEXT.
I am sure there are some people who have NOT experienced this. But sadly? I believe them to be the minority.
I have gotten past much the shame and grief part of this. I’m coming down off of the rage at myself, and the rage at this individual. But my anger has galvanized me to talk about consent. About not being ashamed. About being Really. Fucking. Careful. Who you trust with your life.
I wish I did not have this story to tell, but I do.
I wish we didn’t have to run around explaining to people that consent needs to be sacrosanct.
I wish part of me still didn’t writhe in shame and couch this incident in terms of what I “Let happen†to me.
I’ll get better about that. I’ll get tested again. I will try to let go of the shame and anger. And I sure as fuck will be more guarded about who I let get into my head, because once they are there? They can hurt me. And I do not deserve to be hurt.
Please. Take care of yourselves.
Please, respect people when they say no.
Please, forgive yourself if you make a mistake.
Please.
Take care of one another.
Please.
Something very similar happened to me. I am very sorry that you ran up against this jackhole. You were not at fault, at all. :(
I am sorry too. Thank you for adding your voice. It really needs to come out of the dark.
I’m really glad you wrote about this.
It’s hard. And I’ve even been on the other end of violation. It did give me an eye opener. I’m definitely not proud of it, but I like to think that I learned something. That I will not make that mistake again.
Thank you for writing this down.
Thank you for sharing your truth, too, hard as it is. it needs to be out there.
Wow Mollena,
Whether someone’s into the BDSM scene or not, your story truly resonates and consent is definitely a important issue to put out there, particularly when so many victims feel as if they’re to blame somehow, because they let their guard down and trusted someone. Sorry yours was violated. :-(
I think this is sadly, woefully common, kinky folks or no. And I think so many people blame themselves and never really shake it. And I know so many people want to ascribe blame to the person who had their boundaries violated. And I wonder how you justify pushing the boundaries of someone in a shifted emotional state. And I really hope someone gives themselves permission to push back when pushed.
Thank you for reading, and responding.
*raises hand*
Yep. I had something like that happen to me almost six years ago, down to the staying quiet for weeks on end because it felt my brain had short circuited and was trying to convince me that there was no *way* that could have happened after being part of the CSPC and having negotiated and both of us having other partners and …
He also broke off conversation with me after I got explicit about what he’d done wrong and, like you, I never got an STD result from him. Luckily, my own results came back clean. His reason barebacking me? “I wanted to see how you’d react.” He was apparently testing to see how good a submissive I’d make. For his purposes, a horrid one.
I started talking and nobody blamed me. They were all appalled by his behavior. My story also became a warning, and people who were interested in playing with that dominant were referred to me.
It’s been years. I’m as over it as I’m going to get at this stage in my life. I do *not* play with people new to me at home, out of screaming distance of a dungeon master; it’s no guarantee, but that boundary is sort of an emotional teddy bear that I refuse to release.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You’re not alone. And I’m very proud that you wrote about it.
Be well.
Yeah…and the “I should have known better” chorus was overpowering for a while there…I hate that so many people have this story. And I am glad you came through OK, and that you are protecting yourself.
((hugs))
Mollena,
First, I’m glad you’re ok and your test came back fine.
Second, thank you for sharing this.
Thank you too…hopefully I’ll continue to be OK. I still have to be vigilant…some stuff can be missed within that initial window. A hard way to live. But there it is. I appreciate your taking the time to stop by and read.
Thank you Mo.
I have been through this. Twice.
You would think after all this time I would be able to do what we teach.
Say no.
Safeword.
Physically find the strength to do them physical harm.
But I didn’t.
Worse was that people told me that it was my fault because I couldn’t say stop.
When I told people my story people would say,”they never did anything to me” or “I’ve never seen them do anything.”
So they are still out there
They teach
and no one cares.
I wish there was something that could be done.
*hugs*
In these cases? I hold on to the concept of karma and pray that they are stopped, somehow, before someone is badly damaged. I wish we had more recourse…I want this topic to be one we can discuss openly and with respect for those who have had their trust and consent violated.
Hang in there. You’re not alone.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for the horrible things in your life, but so, so grateful that you’ve shared your experience. Thank you.
I am glad to be able to have learned from this, as difficult a lesson and has long a process of recovery and forgivingness it was / continues to be. Thank you for reading.
Thanks for sharing this. You are right on all counts.
Thank you, for the validation, for reading, for the support. I deeply appreciate it.
Thank you, Mollena, really. I had my consent violated a couple of weeks ago, albeit in different circumstances, and I didn’t tell any of my friends. I thought *I* was to blame for not trying hard enough to stop him, despite my ‘no’s. Like you, it amazes me that this was my reaction – I’m a strong intelligent woman normally, yet I’d beat myself up over this.
You posting this really helps. It helps to know that other people, and people I respect, have gone through the same thought process. It helps to talk about it. I’ve blogged about it too.
Jx
I am appalled and fuck I wish I could say this was surprising, shocking, unusual. You have my empathy, and I hope you forgive yourself and truly know this was not your “fault” and that your reaction was not indicative of some shortcoming on your part, but on his. You are far, far from alone.
Wow Mollena,
Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us.
When I was in HS, I was seeing this guy (6’1′ 300pounds) and one time he got too rough with me and that week I went on birth control, almost preparing for the next time I wouldn’t be able to fight back-i was 16 and I have been on the pill ever since.
He was a big guy and if he wanted it he would be able to take it.
It sucks that my first trip to Planned Parenthood was because I was fucking *preparing* to be taken advantaged of.
I’m fortunate enough that I was able to turn it around at the time into an empowering experience-but I wish I had come to that myself and not with a threat behind it.
Again, I am so sorry that this happened to you and you are very brave to share it.
Sometimes as black women we’re too strong and too accustomed to coming in last and hurt.
Thank you for standing for yourself and demanding accountability and shining light on areas that we look past.
*LOVE*
That’s Real Talk. Thank you for sharing this, and it is a sobering fucking reminder…we teach women to be defensive and somehow don’t teach men to not be on the offensive. A rather failed approach I think. And you are right…and there is no strength in suffering in silence.
Well, that was a bit of a bugger, and no mistake.
While I agree that the problem of consent in BDSM is important, and difficult to codify how to distinguish wiitwd from common-or-garden abuse, in your situation, it is easy:
That wasn’t a non-con scene, a boundary broken, a trust violated, that, dear Mo, was rape.
I could dig up the law, cite the cases, etc. but all the nice SM that surrounded your encounter is irrelevant: you said “no”, and he penetrated/continued to penetrate you. That is rape, and
Hey homie…
I still have so much to “process,” i suppose, around this. And it won’t happen right now. But I am deeply appreciative of your commenting here because, as someone who is dominant, whom I respect and who is ethical, it reminds me that the majority of people DO respect boundaries and limits and don’t violate that.
Thank you.
love
Mo
When we met in NY at the blogger/Carol Queen event, I mentioned having been assaulted myself at a sex party. I’ve written about it on my blog many times, but in most entries dance around who actually did it. (I mean, I could link to the guy’s blog.) I can definitely understand what you’re going through. And it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.
One of my many discussions on it:
http://www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com/index.php/2010/05/10/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/
*hugs* This can happen to any woman, and I think you’re doing the best thing by talking about it. No matter how experienced you are some asshole can suddenly ignore your lack of consent at a vulnerable moment.
Hi hi…thank you for posting and for sharing your story, too. I think that the more of us who come out, and the more of is who CAN tell our stories and so, the more we can push back when needed. It is grim that you had to endure that. And part of me hope that, some day? That link to the perp’s blog will quietly appear.
((hugs)) and much love to you
Without being bitchy, beause i dont mean it that way, but there are even more women who tell this story who dont get believed, who dont get supported when they speak up, and in some cases, arr attacked vetbally for calling out this bad behavior. You are lucky in that you can share this, and be believed and accepted right away. I know more people who keep ailent of thua fucktardery from fear at the behavior of their own community. We need to decry this behavior from people, the acts of violation anof consent, etc, but we also need more of the support i see here as a whole community.
Yep. I have seen it. And it isn’t fair, and it isn’t right. And I hope that, in some small way? More of us stepping forward will get folk’s attention. And see that this is an ENDEMIC PROBLEM, not lone psychos hurling false accusations. I hesitated to talk for that same reason. Maybe, going forward, people will think twice before talking shit about the people who step forward to tell their truth.
There is only one thing I disagree with you about and that is when you say it’s complicated. No, it’s not complicated. Adults have a right to consent to whatever it is they want to do when both parties are fully cognizant of a) what permission means b) what the dangers are c) what the repercussions might be. Once that is established, I’m a firm believer that they have a right to do whatever they want.
What they want might be offensive to others, or dangerous to themselves, but hell, we let people drive racing cars and sky dive and we call it a spectator sport. Strange that it is only when the issue has a sexual element that we seem to feel it is appropriate to ‘save people from themselves.”
Well, no. Children need to be saved. People with mental handicaps may need to be saved, but grown, cognizant adults do not need to be saved from themselves.
The “once that is established” part is where things get complicated. Consent needs to be established and ongoing. A condition I set for sexual contact wasn’t met in a coercive situation. There are legal terms for this. Cognizance is not a concrete state. The mental states people reach during play alters that consent capacity and that is why words like “No.” need to be obeyed
And in a meta sense? The protection we need is from ourselves as a community. Too many people who talk about sexual violence, assault, boundaries are treated as liars, as vengeful people with axes to grind, etc.
The kink community would do well to figure out the difference between blanket consent and the withdrawal of same. We need to grasp that, by default, no still means no. And we need to protect ourselves from ourselves in that we have wolves in the fold, and thieves in the temple.
Even “grown, cognizant” adults get taken advantage of. And we DO need help.
as a dom , though not widely experienced , i’d just like to say. that persons behaviour was such a breach of trust. trust is the thing that binds us , more, i think , than similar tastes. without the trust between people being kept, there would be no scene . i think you should name and shame this abuser so that others will know what he does . because that it what he did , not just the broken trust/agreement but he abused you
Thanks for your post…
Trust and consent are at the heart of what separates BDSM from abuse. And it is tough to reconcile these with the situation that happened. Others do know who this person is, people local to him can easily contact me and I can tell them directly. Of course anyone is innocent until proven guilty and hearsay is not something in which I want to get involved. But the truth will out and karma, as they say, is a bitch with a very long memory.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s astounding how frequent this kind of violation is, even among people who claim to understand consent. There should be a better way to hold people like that accountable.
(And I was pretty impressed by the Consent Counts workshop, too.)
I wish there were, too. And I am hoping that opening up these discussion will show us a better way to do just that!
I had something happen to me, partly my fault (too eager to play to have negotiated completely), where I got hurt, cut with a whip badly enough to need medical attention. The person topping didn’t tell me how much I was bleeding, just left and never contacted me again.
The thing was, afterwards I just blamed myself for not being more careful, didn’t believe / see he had any responsibility for after care. The long and short of it is I got over it, but it left its mark, physically and mentally. Since then, even after almost 10 years, I have a hard time playing with new people.
Its not your fault when someone fucks up, not ever. That you “didn’t negotiate completely” is irrelevant. Unless you negotiated “Whip me until i need an ER visit” they fucked up. Period.
I’m sorry you had this tough lesson. And playing with new people is difficult…but it can also be awesome, and I hope you can move back to a good place around it.
Thank you.
Mo, let me first say how much I love you. You continue to stand up and say the hard things even when it is at great personal expense to you.
This matter has been important to me for a long time, as a father to two daughters who have gone through varying degrees of sexual assault and as a player that engages in consensual non-non-consent play.
Your help on the post I wrote on this last year was invaluable and I hope you don’t find it inappropriate if I link it here. http://say-nine.com/02/this-isnt-play-bdsm-and-rape/ I just believe the more attention we all bring to this the more voices will be heard.
*Huge Hugs*
Thank you for posting this and I hope it is read by others perusing this thread. And thank you for your support.
((hugs))
I hate to say it … but something pretty identical to this happened to me. He was insistent that it was just a couple of times, no big deal and so it happened, though I never felt like I gave consent.
A few years later I found out that he had been arrested for distributing child porn. Ugh.
It is insidious how we can talk ourselves out of the knowledge that we have had this bad shit happen to us. I am STILL, even in the face of re-evaluating it, and the incredible outpouring here, in Fetlife, and privately, having a hard time believing how awful and scare this all can be.
The person you encountered…that’s a bad bit of business right there. And you have my empathy, and I hope you’re able to heal from that, too.
That was hard to read. I’m glad that you’ve brought it up and out into the light. I’ve had boundaries and consent violated, both in bdsm and in my vanilla life. I’ve struggled since, in each case, to understand why as an educated, empowered, aware woman would keep quiet and allow myself to be shamed by what happened. While it makes me sad, it helps to know that others have had similar experiences. The silence and guilt is the hardest part. Worse, even, than being raped. Worse than having someone mess with consent. You’re brave to share with all of us.
I didn’t think of myself as brave. I really thought “Well, this is weighing so heavily on me.” and I just hadn’t seen many people talk about it all that often. And usually it was in the abstract. And when it WAS broached, usually the person making the claim of assault was treated really badly. The bravery, I thought,was in bracing myself for people who would say I was lying, exaggerating, trying to get attention, etc. THAT has been what I have seen. Maybe the tide is turning?
Thank you for reading, and for your sharing. And that is pretty brave, too.
Mollena,
This is why I teach my class “Abuse in Kinky Relationships: How to Reveal, Deal and Heal.” I have taught it twice in two years, but I think it would be useful to teach once a month–cause that’s about how often a woman has the courage to come forward and say she was violated.
In my work in violence intervention and prevention, I focus on men violating women. I know it happens both ways, but I am going to focus on that dynamic right now, because that is what you wrote about and it’s women I mostly hear from regarding abuse by a dominant parnter.
In my work, I’ve come to understand the destructive gender roles at work in the community. I know, I know…all the men here are only interested in SSC, and LOVE women and wouldn’t never, EVER hurt a woman. Unfortunately, the male role belief system that is the prevalent force in our culture–yes, even in kink–is one in which men are socialized to expect women to inferiorize when they, as men, superiorize themselves.
I would bet one of the reasons it took you two months to register what happened to you as violation is because, if you’re anything like me, you’ve also internalized the male superior/female inferior belief system. Why have I internalized it? Because that’s what I have been so thoroughly taught as a girl and then woman. In every image of myself as woman in media, I am in a subordinate role.
I was taught to protect the man at all times. That’s why, when the rapist implored, “Please don’t tell anyone, I’ll lose my job,” I didn’t tell anyone who would or could do anything about it. That’s why, after I left my 3 year abusive relationship–where kink was the major tool of the abuse–it wasn’t until my mother heard my stories and said, “Oh, my god…You were being battered,” that I realized I had been battered. I was in a deep depression and lying on the middle of my bedroom floor curled up in the fetal position at the time…and I had no idea what was wrong with me.
Now I look at the roles I inhabit in my daily life and how to get out of them, how when I am in a deep fear situation (“fatal peril”)it’s because one of the roles I’ve long depended on (my regulars are the “scared, shaking mouse” and the “outraged, punishing queen”). What’s great is that when I acknowledge those roles, I can fade them and be who I really am: a caring, action-taking woman, who is dedicated to organizing her community to let go of damaging belief systems.
Thank you so much, Mo, for sharing your experience. Every time someone steps forward and tells the truth, I am reenergized.
I have heard about, and share, the fear of outing a well-known or well-respected Dom. However, as Queen Cougar noted at the RACK discussion last week, “Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.”
I offer my support to you and anyone who is dealing with the fear of repurcussions for speaking up. And I encourage you to contact me and speak up. I may not be able to end abuse in kinky relationships alone. But I am likely to be able end it if I you are willing to end it, too.
That type of education ins’t the sexy class that people will pay extra to go and see, and you’ll often see them empty if, a a con, they’re up against a “naked chick getting beaten” class.
However, if every. Single. Educator. Took 3 minutes out of their class to talk about consent? It would create a ripple effect that WOULD be heard even if you were ” not interested” in hearing it.
Something needs to change.
Thank you for sharing this.
That exact bullshit has happened to me – more times than I care to admit actually.
” I just want to feel you” blah blah blah.,….it’s bullshit and it’s the sign of a completely irresponsible, disrespectful man.
If he’s unethical about that, what else is he unethical about?
IT’S NOT OKAY.
And – April is sexual assault awareness month….you can bet I’ll be posting about this. I’ve never said anything to anyone because it was just so damned common with the men I’ve dealt with.
Sad but true. Again….thank you for speaking up about this bad behavior from douchebags like that.
xoxo L
It is not OK, and it is so common and that is daunting. I certainly need to find a way to keep this drumbeat up and maybe the fact that April is specifically geared towards this will make a tough message one that gains some traction….
thank you for your post.
By the end of reading all the comments I remembered that something like this happened to me. Playing with someone new and not being ready for intercourse and saying so several times. But then when he put it in, I didn’t say anything. I sort of went with it. We talked about it after and I told him I wasn’t ready. He backed off for awhile and we tried to date without sex but I gave in at some point because I wanted to have a great experience that I imagined could be possible because he seemed so sexy when I first meant him. But it was never really got that exciting.
Men who do this may think it’s about the STI’s or birth control and while yes that is true, maybe they are “clean”, maybe there is no semen present but it’s about violating someone by going against their word, their will, their body.
It’s amazing to me that in the realm of relationship, sexuality, women that this boundary gets so fucked up. These “gentlemen” that we speak of, in another context would play by societal rules.
I appreciate a sexually empowered,open,kinky woman such as yourself, speak of this because someone with a more traditional stance might say, “you should only have sex with people you know care about you”. Maybe yes, knowing someone deeply is safer sex but the problem is not casual, kinky sex. Just because I am at a sex party doesn’t mean you have the right to grab me.
And let us remember that many MANY sexual assaults are at the hands of people who ARE well known to the victim. If you think long-term friends and partners are immune to this act, think again.
And you are absolutely right. First and foremost? It is about my will being violated, whatever form that takes.
Thank you for posting and for sharing.
I don’t follow a lot of kink stuff, but you and I have a mutual friend who mentioned this post to me. I applaud you for posting, for being honest and forthright, and for coming to terms with your own feelings (as much as you can) regarding this situation.
Consent ends at “no,” period. No matter whether it is kink or non-kink. If someone choose to change that answer, they will tell you themselves … they do not need to be TALKED INTO changing the answer. If I say, “no” now, but later decide I want to do that… I will tell you, “ok, NOW …”
Kink or non-kink, the answer is the same. No is no is no is no is no. If you’re someone who likes to be talked into something, find another way to say “no” that won’t confuse your partners. “Not now,” or “let’s wait” or some made-up word.
Because NO should only have one meaning, period.
The default is always plain language. People forget that the original use of safewords were for scenes where saying no was a part of a ROLE PLAY not so that you could orchestrate every movement of a scene. Until such a scene is negotiated, words like “No” “or “Stop” or phrases like “I do not want you to” or “Do not do that” are pretty dang clear. And you’re right, this isn’t only about kink stuff. This is about respecting boundaries and the humanity of your partner(s).
Thank you for reading, and for your reply.
Last night, someone very near to me was terrorized, threatened, and viciously verbally assaulted repeatedly by the man she’s been dating. In fact, in the eyes of his religion they are married – but it’s not a legal marriage. For several hours, she told him repeatedly over the phone to stay away, that she would not go anywhere with him, she was staying home and nothing he would say could change her mind. So in fine asshole order, he came to her house, banging on the door and screaming that the rest of us were all interfering in his business by telling him to leave, and if we knew what was best for us we would stay out of his business. She told him she did not want to talk with him, did not want to see him, did not even want to listen to him through the door, to just go away. He kept insisting that he needed to talk to her, but it had to be alone because we were being subversive and keeping him from his wife, that he was only trying to help her, it was for her own good that he was standing outside on the porch, screaming and raging at the locked door.
At the worst point, I found myself with my back against the door because I couldn’t get the slide bolt to engage and I wanted a couple hundred more pounds of inertia to add to the effectiveness of the lock that we *did* have engaged. With the back of my head blocking the the door’s tall, narrow peep window to keep his gawddam crazy asshole eyes from violating the privacy of their home, I told him through the door that yes it was my business, he’d made it my business by being there when he had been told to stay away. I could actually *feel* the force of his voice vibrating through the glass against my head as he told me that I really should mind my own business and stop interfering where I didn’t belong.
I’d said all I was saying to him, so that was the end of anything else I had to say to him. Until his ride finally showed, I stood there, calmly talking with his victim and the rest of us sitting it out in the house. I didn’t have my phone on me, and the home landline was effectively tied open because he refused to either hang up or stop calling long enough for us to be able to dial out. After repeatedly claiming to be on the phone with the police, .four.times. he claimed that the police were pulling up. “See?” he’d call out, “see how much I love you? I’m willing to go to jail for you, to prove how much I care about you!” and other such bullshit about being concerned for her safety, and Why Wouldn’t We Let Him Talk With HIS WIFE????!!!?! As if that all proved anything other than just how fucked up in the head he was.
To show how far she’s sucked in, it was several hours after he left before she finally shut the ringer off on the phone and refused to take his repeated, incessant calls. I slept on the floor. Poorly, but we were breathing, are breathing still, and so long as that continues we will be well.
Today, we’re doing what needs to be done. I’m offering what support I can, and hoping for her sake that she doesn’t let him grab another toe-hold while he’s scrabbling for a tighter grip on her. At the moment we’re in triage mode. Bunkered down in a safe, secure fox hole while we shore up the defenses and continue to work The Plan. Starting with #1: All clothes must have pockets, and each adult has a cell phone that’s unlocked and *in* a pocket. And hopefully I can find enough supporting documentation to help her 18yr. old self know the following with such conviction that she won’t .ever. allow someone like this to remain in her life once they’ve shown their colors:
No matter what “magic words” two people have exchanged, both will always have the right to say no to ANYthing the other wants them to do, at ANY time, for ANY reason. It might hurt or cause anger or sever a relationship’s bonds to stand up for a boundary line, but once NO has been said, that is just as far as things can go and still remain a healthy relationship. And any unhealthy relationship is one too many.
It seems my world is being lit by the glow of last night’s happenings, because this is the third time I’ve posted the above story. People need to hear the message that “NO” means just that – NO. They need to believe that they have rights and their very own power, no matter how much power consensually changes hands, or how often that NO might have been a YES in the past.
A grim story and a reminder that it doesn’t take a stranger to terrorize and violate consent, boundaries and trust. I hope your friend gets help and is safe.
Yes.
Can’t manage a more coherent response to this right now. But yes. What you said. This.
I raise my hand as one who has had her boundaries crossed and beat myself up about it afterward, as well. Told myself I put myself in harm’s way etc… This is why I teach a class on Submissive Self Safety, digging at this issue from various angles. I mostly raise questions and don’t give answers because it’s a rabbit hole you go down and each person has to find their own safety net.
Thank you for presenting that class. And thank you for sharing, because I think the greater number of educators who are open with this message, the greater degree of leverage we’ll gain in turning over these rocks and exposing the slimies underneath to the light of day.
(Hugs)
Wow. Yes. And thank you.
It’s something that’s affected me too. And something I’ve felt was too taboo to talk about- that saying anything would give ammo to people who want to condemn sex work, or BDSM.
You gave me the guts to write about my own experience. So for that, I thank you.
Please, please do.
I know it is tough, and it sucks. And people can be assholes when you put yourself out there. But If we don’t tell our stories, no one will tell them for us.
Thank you for speaking up, and speaking out.
I am so glad you’ve blogged about this here as well as on FetLife! I’ve written a couple of definition posts about both abuse and consent which may be of interest, because I’ve struggled with both, and I know that the abuse can only result from transgressions of consent.
I’ve also written extensively about members and leaders of the Irish kink scene and their disregard for consent. The members and leaders of that scene are continuing to target, harass and exclude me because of it. I would have been unable to meet you at the munch because I have been banned indefinitely without reason (‘organiser’s decisions are final. No further correspondance will be entered into.’) from all munches and Nimhneach.
The rape perpetrated against you represents a whole host of problems which are endemic in the Irish kink scene. I’m so very sorry that you had to find that out first hand. Please know that some of us absolutely condemn those who make such violations possible. Unfortunately very few of us have been willing to speak up publicly, but I hope those numbers are growing. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you were raped anywhere, but for me it is especially sad this happened to you in Dublin.
The more we know, the more we can do something about it. I’m another one who has been where you are. I think that speaking up is by far the most powerful way we can curtail this shit. Thank you so much for disclosing your experiences.
My thoughts are with you.
Sadly, this is an issue everywhere and I hope that, regardless of geographic location, continuing to bring to light situations where people are taken advantage of will encourage dialogue, and growth & change can take root.
Thank you for posting this. So much. Thank you.
You are very, very welcome.
[…] You’d think that would be enough, wouldn’t you? But some Dom/mes aren’t satisfied with mere surrender. They want to push beyond. They like to violate boundaries: push a sub to do things that are past their hard limits, do things that might be destructive or leave unwanted lasting emotional or physical damage. They like to violate consent. A Dominant pushing past hard limits, ignoring the sub’s refusal, has just crossed over from BDSM into the very different, very ugly world of rape and sexual abuse. I thought “Well, I didn’t say “No.†forcefully enough. I didn’t insist. I didn’t hit hi… […]
I know all too many submissive women who have been through this shit, as well as some submissive men. I am so sorry this happened to you. I’ve posted about this over at The Mistress Manual. Because this is basic: if it’s not consensual, it is not BDSM.
Thank you, so much.
((hugs))
Love
Mo
Dear Mo,
I know you have a billion comments already, but I think a post like this is only improved by the largest response it can get.
In college the guy I was dating forced me to go down on him after I said “no.” I had that terrible thing where you freeze like a deer in headlights and cannot stop what is happening.
After it was over, he even said to me, “Oh, I just raped you, didn’t I?” and I curled up in a ball and said, yes, yes he had…. But then I didn’t even break up with him! I stayed with him for 2 months after-wards.
And when I did, finally, try to break up with him he got really angry, and told everyone his side of the story, which ended up with everyone telling me, “You got what you deserved because you like to play rough.”
I’ve even told this story on a BDSM forum some years ago, and had people say the same all over again.
I know for myself now that no, it wasn’t okay. We were not even having a scene when it happened, and I said “no” quite clearly and repeatedly. There is no excuse he can honestly hide behind, and his immediate response betrayed that right away.
It took me years before I could play with men again. Since I have resumed, I have been much stronger about not doing the things I have not consented to do. But it is so difficult and confusing in the moment that it’s not impossible it could happen again to me.
It is so hard. We are playing with fire, and trusting our partners (fallible people, whom we choose with imperfect choice) not to burn us.
Which explains, but does not excuse, when things go wrong.
How do we, as a community, manage to shred and tear at the wounded over and over?
It sucks ass that you got that reception from people. It just makes me rage all over again and I am so sorry.
It is true that people will fuck shit up, and in my estimation, even horrible mistakes can be addressed when people take responsibility for their actions and look to make amends. but it seems arrogance precludes even that.
Thank you for your writing here, and I am sure people who read your story will, some of them, see themselves and draw some comfort from knowing that are NOT alone.
((hugs + moar hugs))
Thank you.
Mo
[…] of speaking up… be sure to read this post about Violated Consent. It also inspired a piece of this […]
[…] on the heels of reports by my friend, the outgoing International Ms Leather, Mollena Williams, of her rape by a prominent member of the Dublin kink community.   These are just the two latest posts I’ve encountered speaking out on this topic, and […]
Amazing article…
Thank you for taking the time to stop in and read and comment.
Peace
Mollena
[…] The Mistress Manual, in a post decrying Mo’s rape: A Dominant pushing past hard limits, ignoring the sub’s refusal, has just crossed over from BDSM […]
Mollena,
I was deeply touched by your post. As someone relatively new to the scene, I have (thank God) not been in a position in which someone has taken advantage of me. But I can see how it would happen, and so very easily.
Had this happened to me, I would never have called it coercion. It would have been my fault for not preventing it, and I would have reacted in exactly the same way as you did. I hope I never test that theory. Thank you so much for promoting awareness, not only to heal the wounded, but also to warn those of us who are unwary and naive.
Thank you so much for this comment. It really is my hope that, by opening this discussion, people might have a fighting chance of seeing these situations unfolding and feeling empowered to change that outcome before it devolves into a horrible situation. And also that those who have been victimized can see that they do not have to live as victims but can stand and regroup and recall their power. Be well :-)
Peace.
~Mollena
[…] Mollena: Consent [Violated]. “I had someone push through my consent boundary and it fucked me up. But […]
[…] was a very scary decision for me to share my story and to ask for others to stand or raise a hand with me as survivors. And the remaining people I […]
[…] recently stepped down from her post as International Ms Leather 2010, was raped and only recently spoke up about it publicly. The outpouring of support has been unbelievable – although really hardly surprising […]
Mollena,
Thanks so much for sharing something so difficult. Like Coffey said…it’s not just in the kink world. It’s just sex/personal boundaries in general, and it’s too, too common.
I feel so startled at how my perspective on this issue has shifted. I’d no idea how insidious and terrible and COMMON these stories were until I spoke about what happened to me. An eye opening thing that makes me wonder what can be done to stop this…and reminds me how much work still needs to be done to protect and to no longer have these crimes be so commonplace…
Thank you so much for reading,.
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[…] Advice: Nipple Clamps bloodfucking Communicating by touch Consent [Violated] Debasement getting ready… He mixed pleasure and pain, and my body responded to it all […]
[…] Advice: Nipple Clamps bloodfucking Communicating by touch Consent [Violated] Debasement getting ready… He mixed pleasure and pain, and my body responded to it all […]
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[…] Consent [Violated] […]